Click here for the first 5 of the Top 10.
I left Montgomery, AL today at 4pm, heading towards New Orleans. My car's ambient temperature gauge read 104 degrees. I would guess the humidity was 100%, but that would mean it was raining. So I'll go with 99.99% humidity. Thank God I got the A/C fixed last week!
I hit I-85 and quickly set the cruise control. The 5-hour journey was in full force when the car started slowing down, then speeding up back to the set speed. It kept doing this repeatedly, enough for me to begin to worry. Now I could put my entire car knowledge on a cocktail napkin (I know there's a battery and spark plugs and some kind of engine thingie), so I decided to head back to my last hotel and call it a day. OK, let's be honest, I could put all my car knowledge on a postage stamp.
So, New Orleans will have to wait at least another day. Tomorrow I'll get up real early and hit the local auto shop, bending over and touching my ankles and praying my $10,000 credit line is enough to cover whatever expenses the mechanics dream up. They could tell me my car's flux capacitor needs replacing and I would probably believe them.
Now, on with the countdown...
6. The quickest distance between 2 points is not always a straight line
7. Two is bad, but three is good
8. Your government at work: The perpetually-closed weigh station
9. What item is used the least in most cars?
10. 20 is the magic number
The quickest distance between 2 points is not always a straight line
Yogi Berra once said, "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." I'd have to say I get a similar feeling when I come to a loop freeway around a city. Downtown freeway traffic is the worst: poor drivers, slow speed limits and hotly-contested lane positions. Loops usually have posted speeds 10 to 15 mph over the city's, along with fewer cops to slow you down. Having said that, I fully expect to get a ticket tomorrow on the first loop I take. It's not polite to diss the road gods.
Two is bad, but three is good
Highways with only two lanes going each direction are the bane of the road warrior's existence. You've got slow cars in the left lane and slower cars in the right. There's no place to pass. Most of the time, these highways are rural and therefore contain fewer exits to weed out the Yugos and Ford Escorts. Pickup truck drivers poach the left lane and never leave.
So you just gotta wait it out, realizing every minute at or below the speed limit is a minute added to your trip time. I've had recurring road trip daydreams where my car has retractable stilts. I push a button and "Bam!", the car elevates and the wheel base widens. I gun it and race over the unsuspecting cars, quickly resuming my desired trip time as I leave those cave dwellers in the dust.
Or maybe my car sprouts helicopter props and I soar over the cars and gracefully land a mile ahead. It's advantageous to have a child-like imagination when driving in these conditions. That's when you wake up and realize your cruise control is set at 45 mph on a 65 mph highway. Oy vay.
Your government at work: The perpetually-closed weigh station
I realize we all believe that our government is the most efficient, smoothest-running operation in all of the world. OK, maybe not the whole world, but at least in America, right? Harumph! In all my road trips I think I can count on one hand the number of times a weigh station was open. What a great use of our tax dollars. At least they've found a good use for those stations. They make great parking areas for cop cars.
What item is used the least in most cars?
For some reason, no one seems to use their car's cruise control. Is it too difficult to figure out what the "Resume" and "Set" buttons are for? Is the automotive technology beyond the grasp of the average driver? It's like going to the movies and everyone's waiting in line outside of the theater while five computer-ticket kiosks stand unused inside.
The worst troglodytes are what I call the "Rubber Band" drivers. They come screaming past you then pull over in front of you. Then they slow down. I then pass them on cruise control and pull over in front of them, maintaining the same speed. They then pass me and then slow down... Well, you know the rest. Arrrgghhh!
20 is the magic number
I've had my fair share of speeding tickets over the years. One thing I've learned is not to go 20 or more miles per hour over the speed limit. In most states that's the lowest speed for aggressive driving tickets. They're usually at least $100 more than normal speeding tickets. Yikes! The day I get pulled over for going 21 mph over the speed limit is the day the cop will ask me "How'd you get that hand print on your forehead?" Doh!
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